And I passed the accident, and I didn’t know it was her and I kept going and I found out shortly after that, it was her. I was maybe nineteen, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents?Īnyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. So what I’m saying is, when you’re older, most of you will be gay. Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. I did everything from: I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners I had no idea and I thought I’d just finally settle in some job and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn’t really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was but I had no idea. And I really, I had no ambition I didn’t know what I wanted to do. When I finished school, I was completely lost and by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times. Usually when you’re wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you’ve given up. I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. Because I can’t think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class. But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal, you’re too far away and I’d never get away with it.I’m here because of you. My mom worked at Newcomb and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. And I’m not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I’m a huge celebrity.Īlthough I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. And I didn’t go to college here, and I don’t know if President Cowan knows, I didn’t go to any college at all, any college. I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumis you had to graduate from this school. But I’m honored that you’ve asked me here to speak at your common cement. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother’s back. So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.Ĭommencement: common, and cement, common cement. Then I went to look up what commencement meant which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia’s, and they’re all written in Australian. When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven’t slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can’t graduate ’til I finish, so listen up.
President Cowen distinguished guests, undistinguished guests, you know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher.